If ever I needed to blog....

it's today.

I'm hurt.
I'm vulnerable.
I'm speechless.
I'm sad.
I'm mad.
I'm confused.

So here's the deal. I'm very raw right now, so I'm just going to sit here, type, and lay out how I feel.
Let me start from the beginning.
My husband and I moved to Columbus almost 3 years ago with our (at the time) 2 year old son. Before then, we had been living 30 min's away and had yet to find a church home. When I say we searched, I MEAN WE SEARCHED. We visited so many churches that we started calling ourselves permanent church hoppers.One of my dear friends that I have been SO fortunate to have met here, Leah, invited me to join her Bible study. I'm just going to be completely honest here, I WAS NOT the "Bible study type." I had just found a new relationship with the Lord when I became pregnant with Merrit and my Christianity was fresh and new. I didn't want to be surrounded my "goody goody" girls who had never had a bad day and read the Bible like a good litle Bible study girl is supposed to. However, I valued Leah's friendship so much, and saw God in her every day. I wanted to be like her. Love the Lord like her. I figured I would give it a try.
THESE GIRLS CHANGED MY LIFE.
I found out real quick that they were all just as flawed as me, living day by day trying to be better witnesses for Christ. I found God here. Let me change that statement....I never knew that I could know God like I do now before this group.
Next came church. I tried the church that most of the girls in the Bible study attended. It was completely untraditional. Completely different from what me and J grew up in. After going once, we hopped on over to a traditional Baptist church the next Sunday. We went to this church for about a month, even tried Sunday school once. It had everything we thought that we were looking for. All of the traditional practices were right on target. The last time that we visited this church I remember it like it was yesterday. We were pulling out of the parking lot and I looked at my husband and said, "Did you get ANYthing at all out of that sermon?" He looked at me and said, "I never do. I just like the church." PROBLEM.
The next week, we went back to the church that was completely untraditional and out of our comfort zone. I can't even begin to explain the feeling that I had when we left other than, "We have finally found it. We have finally found our home." The preacher preached to us. US. I fell in love. With the feeling. The feeling that the Lord was in that place and speaking to me directly through that preacher. We have been there ever since and have fallen in love even more. With the people. With the church. With everything.
This morning I got up and went to church with nothing particular on my mind. The preacher blew me away, just like every Sunday. He was preaching on how we are all called by God to witness to others. Others that are far away. Not just in Lowndes County. We have some church members in Haiti right now, and I honestly thought that he was talking about them. I guess he was. But that wasn't it.
He is leaving. Leaving the church. Leaving me. Leaving my family. Leaving the Christianity that I have found through him that I never thought was possible.
At first, I was mad. I stood there with my arms crossed with a frown on my face. Then I became sad. I could not stop crying. I wanted to run out of the church, but didn't want to cause a scene. Then I felt guilty. Completely guilty for several different reasons. For one, it's not about me. His family has to be taking this so much harder that I ever could. Also the church staff. Hello, Abby. You are not the center of the universe. I also felt guilty for putting all of my faith in a man. I know that the "Christian" response would be..."Well, he was wonderful, but he is just a man. Your relationship with God is what is important. It's not about him. It's about Him, God, the one and only."
I am writing this because I know it's going to be tough. I don't know what's going to happen with our church. I hope and pray that we ban together and keep alive what we have become. I know one thing: No one can take away what I have gotten from this amazing preacher and I do not regret for a second being a part of his congregation.