Bring on the change, this girl is ready

Well, Christmas is over. I found something out this year that I didn't know before. I actually like the weeks leading up to Christmas much more than Christmas itself. Is that bad? I know that it's Jesus's birthday, but I always feel like I'm trying that whole day to make it perfect. No, this is not going to be another post about me trying to measure up! This was actually one of the best Christmas's that I've ever had. After the initial worrying, I let it all go, and soaked it all up. I really enjoyed the lights, the music, the several plays/musical's that I saw, and the cold weather. I think that every now and then, I like a change in my routine, and Christmas brings that.

Christmas Eve is always the most special time for me. I don't know why. I guess because growing up, we always had Christmas Eve at my mamaw Branton's house, who I loved SO much, and miss all the time. She was my mother's mother and was an ANGEL. Anyone who knew her would say the same thing. I swear, she had a direct line to God. My mom is pretty close, but my mamaw, man, I strive every day to be like her. Sometimes, especially during the holidays or after something really special or really hard, I think about her and how much I want to tell her. She wouldn't even know me now. I have changed SO much since she passed when I was a senior in college. I would like to hope that she would be proud. My mom's side of the family was extremely close when she was alive, now we hardly ever get together. I hope that one day, I can provide what she did for my children and my children's children. Her FAITH was unmoving. Her LOVE was unconditional. Her STRENGTH was from God.

This year, I am going to try to be a constant, positive influence in people's lives. A friend of mine (hey, Cathy), who I admire greatly, just blogged about how important it is to have that constant releationship with God. I needed to read that, and I am ready to live it.

I feel that sometimes I am "on fire" for God, and other times I am just complacent with our little relationship. I want to be ON FIRE constantly. I know that this takes effort on my part, and honestly, I have been lazy. I want a direct line to God. I want to be on fire. May this new year bring this. Bring it on 2011.

Grateful and Ashamed

When the holidays come around, I go through a million different feelings. For instance, when December was fast approaching, the first thing that I did was.....WORRY. I was worried about everything. That our kids would not get enough, that they would get too much, that my husband would not get me anything at all, that he would get me something better than what I get him, that our house would not be decorated pretty enough, that I would spend money on the wrong things, that I wouldn't provide what my kids deserve (Do we go on the Polar Express? Do we not? Do I take my oldest to a Christmas movie? Do I not? Do we travel? Do we not?). You name it, I've worried about it.
And I know that it is SO cliche to say..."and then I thought of those less fortunate," but it hit me like a ton of bricks last night and I could not.stop.crying. I mean I sobbed like a baby. I'm not good at this blog stuff, so I don't know how to link someone else's blog to mine, but I ran across this girl's blog who is a friend of a friend and it just touched me, changed me. I was laying in bed last night and I heard Miller cry (he is my 1 year old and he occasionally still wakes up at night.) I thought about going to get him and then I thought to myself that it would probably be better if I let him soothe himself back to sleep. He did, within about 3 minutes, and it was no big deal. However, I could not sleep. So I went blog hopping. Like I said, I ran across this blog and this girl (woman) wrote BEAUTIFUL posts about life, faith, and her 4th son, who died.
She wrote that when she was in the hospital with him, he was hooked up to a ton of machines and she could not hold him, although that was ALL that she wanted to do. A nurse brought her a bottle of lotion and told her that it would probably feel good to him if she rubbed his feet with it. She said that that was the first time that she felt "useful" to him. Like something that a "normal" mom would do for her son. She said that thinking back, there is no way that he even felt it, and she was praising God for that nurse who knew just what she needed. She called the nurse an angel.
I cried, and cried, and boo hooed (sp?), and cried some more. I don't know why it hit me so hard. But I went and got my baby out of his bed and rocked him for about an hour, thanking God over and over for my many blessings. I felt like the shallowest person on the face of the earth. Why in the WORLD was I SO worried about the things of this earth that do not even matter? Why do I take what I have for granted? Why do I think about the things that I DON'T have?
NO MORE. I refuse to be so shallow anymore. I am going to ENJOY this holiday season, knowing that my children are BEYOND blessed because they are growing up in a home with parents who strive every day to put GOD first. I am going to pray and let God lead me in knowing what to do, what is too much, what to buy, what is unnecessary, ect.
Thank you God, for all my many blessings :)